Principal: On your screens everyone; settle down fast! I am here today to announce an important addition to the curriculum: ABCD for new India. To do the honors I’d like to invite a special guest lecturer all the way from Galvan Valley; any guesses who? He is a proud alumnus of the esteemed Whatsapp University unabashed by the furore his words have provoked over the years. He is your new teacher: Mr. Bhakt Banerjee!
BB: I must admit, this is a first for me. Normally I’d shove my opinions down your throats. If this had been a one-on-one lesson, I’d scream at the top of my voice, cuz you lot have sunken too deep into the western culture. Lucky for you: this is an online lecture.. a new normal thanks to the Chinese virus. Now that I am here, you will learn our own Indian Nationalist ABCD.
A for Acche Din
Many Anti-nationals have rallied against this Jumla but let me assure you, my patriotic students, once and for all, that, “Acche Din Aayenge!!” Take for example the Ambanis and the Adanis; haven’t they been climbing up the net worth charts since, you know, 2014? Also don’t forget our very dear Arnob Da who’s the best-in-class journalist of all time!
B for Beef Ban
Since cow is our holy mother, cow slaughter is prevented in our beautiful country. Yet, god knows how, we are the second biggest beef exporter in the world! Great, that is probably the mother of all ironies.
C for Chanakya Niti
The opposition has looted the country for the last 70 years through various corrupt practices. We will make sure that the nation is “congress mukt” by collapsing their state governments with horsetrading aka Chanakya Niti. Mind you we have loads of money collected to do just that!
D for Demonetisation
Bhakton, the greatest masterstroke pulled off by our government was this one. The sheer suddenness of the move, the unexpected nature of the move, the unpredictability of the move, had them talking. They said the move failed big time in execution; but it is the attempt that matters in the end; let them know!
E for Ease of Doing Business
This is the only government in the whole world that’s made business a child’s play! Now, anyone can set up their online business in a jiffy and that too without all the hassle of paperwork. Isn’t it amazing how the economy has boomed thanks to our tenure; petrol and tomatoes selling at the same price; what an achievement indeed!
F for Feku
They call our supreme leader a “feku” but they don’t know this, that he’s like a sponge, who’d absorb all the negativity and turn it into a marketing opportunity. In fact, he’s like a lotus blooming in a muddy pond. Also they are the pond: the whole opposition is a bloody muddy pond; there I said it!
G for Gujarat Model
Ah, the ultimate model of development! Even though Gujarat is lagging behind much of the rest of India when it comes to human development according to anti-national BBC news but the Gujarat model is famous for Modinomics world over!
H for History
Mitron, first the Mughals, then the Brits, then the Nehru dynasty.. Indian growth has been disrupted since time immemorial. Now is the time to unite and blame the fuzzy present upon the blunders of the past; sometimes fake it even!
I for Intolerance
Throughout my career in the IT cell I haven’t crossed paths with an intolerant fellow! This again is a term coined by the anti-national media to ruin the image of our government. Okay, okay, we may have charged an environment website under the UAPA law; but by mistake god promise!
J for Jumla
Any political party will use a marketing Jumla why’s that even a crime for god’s sake!? Fifteen Lacs was a Jumla; Swachh Bharat was a Jumla; Startup India was a Jumla; AtmaNirbhar is a Jumla. The aim is to ensure that the public remain hopeful of the government despite all the odds.
K for Kejru
He’s like a Diwali bomb that promises on a big show but goes amiss many a times. Kejru is a good learner though having learned from us the tactic of blaming upon others. Sometimes he’d blame air pollution on Punjab; at another time he’d blame the dirty Yamuna on UP.
L for Love Jihad
Remember this at all cost, Mitron, I mean students, “Hindu’s in danger!” Let not love astray you from the path to Akhand Hindu Rashtra. Just like our supreme leader can identify them by their clothing, you must also develop such an astute vision; otherwise all of this is utterly a waste!
M for ModiaBind
Intellectuals aka Buddhi-Jeevi claim this a fatal disease; but I cannot tell you how so much in bliss I have been since having contracted this illness.. Like a blessing in disguise! Therefore, I plead you all to embrace the “modiabind” with an open heart; do it for the national interest!
N for Nationalism
Much of my career at the WhatsApp University has been spent to ensure that the poison of nationalism be seeded directly into the blood of the common man. Today, thanks to all the “Jhoot” questioning the supreme leader is akin to betraying the nation.
O for Orange
Bhakton, the primary goal of your existence is saffronising the nation; be it the Indian Cricket Jersey or the legendary poet such as Thiruvalluvar. Paint the country orange whenever you can however you can!
P for Pappu
Everybody knows this is my favorite addition to the alphabet! He’s single-handedly helped us Bhakts engage in some laughter and fun amidst the declining state of the economy. Due to the Chinese virus, our salaries have been reduced; many have been ousted from the IT cell! The only source of entertainment in the time of darkness remains this.
Q for Quit India
The ultimate argument winner, Mitron, is “Go to Pakistan!” However if need be it, you may also use “Go to Bangladesh”, “Go to China” or “Go to Nepal!” All the Bhakts should have zero tolerance to Q for Question; if the anti-nationals got a problem, quit India!
R for RSS
Although it drew inspiration from the European right-wing groups during World War II, RSS undoubtedly is the custodian of our culture, of our ancient sabhyata; lest we forget!
S for Soldiers on Border
Bhakton, when the anti-national media pose a threat to your political image, take an unapologetic refuge in the army; might just shut them up!
T for Tukde-Tukde Gang
The biggest threat, Mitron, is not Pakistan nor is it China. They are sitting hidden among us posing a direct threat to the country from within! They are comedians like Rajeev Nigam; YouTubers like Dhruv Rathee; student activists like Kanhaiya Kumar; journos like Ravish Kumar!
U for Urban Naxal
The job of a Bhakt is to fight the people with naxalite bent of mind residing in urban areas and working as activists, supporters and protectors of their sickular ideology. Many those mentioned in the Tukde Tukde Gang are part of this group; include Javed Akhtar and Yogendra Yadav in this list as well!
V for Vikas
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W for Whatsapp University
Did you know that WhatsApp University is the only learning institution in the world where facts are not facts? This is probably why it is the leading source of fake news and fake forwards!
X for Xposé
Bhakton, what has been the greatest achievement of our government in the six years? In 2019, with 26,000 queries pending, India’s right to information law is as good as defunct! Hence, no more exposé of the unruly and corrupt; problem solved!
Y for Yogiji
If not Modi then Yogi! The new shining light for the party.. The torchbearer of Akhand Hindu Rashtra. He has constantly triggered the anti-national media with his name-changing politics.
Z for ZZZZZ
Mitron, while the opposition remains sleeping we can rule the world!